Sight.

I'm sitting here at the front desk of the office, Courtney being out sick and making me the front lines for all the crazies that seem to come our way on Music Row. My eyes are blurry, but not from tears, at least not tears brought on by others. Something is wrong with me left eye, and I have no idea what it is. I would love to have gotten it taken care of earlier, but 13 hour work days that end long after doctor's hours aren't very conducive to taking care of yourself.

In times like this, I'm convinced that God gives me metaphors for my life. For the last few weeks, I've been praying to Him to help me figure out what's next, but somewhere along the way, I've lost sight of what I needed to be doing all along. I had committed to making my relationship with Him better, giving up other things that had long taken priority over worshipping Him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, acknowledging that out of my top priorities, He was not there. I was being so selfish, and I committed to changing that. I had to change that, not only for the betterment of myself, but for others too. In a desperate attempt at making a situation turn out the way I wanted it to, I went at cold turkey. I was left with nothing but myself, Crazy Love, and the Holy Bible. Francis Chan kept asking me what I was doing in my life that required faith, wanting me to literally be obsessed with God, and all I kept thinking was "Look at what I'm doing for you, God. I'm giving up my love for someone for you. Aren't you proud of me and what I've done for you?" And because of the way I thought, I eventually gave into myself, justifying once again all the reasons I never had time for God: two jobs, friends, money, etc. I did like I always have done, and that is rebelled. Rebelled against thinking that I needed Him to make my hurt go away. I could do it myself, with the right amount of things that could occupy my mind until it was time to go to sleep at night, and then by that point I was too tired to pray or study.

That's when I woke up Sunday morning with my left eye a very dark red color. I ignored it, figuring it was just irritation from my contact or something silly. The next morning, I could barely open my eye. While everyone else was giving me theories on what it could be (pink eye, bad contacts, all of it), I just kept thinking that with the right amount of eyedrops, I could relieve what was wrong. And I almost was right. Tuesday morning I woke up and it looked better. I still put the drops in, but mainly just to keep the healing going. I told everyone that it wasn't pink eye, that I was fine, and that by tomorrow it would be gone. But when I went to bed last night, it was starting to close up. I woke up this morning to barely being able to see out of my left eye because it was so blurry. I had eyesight equivalent to being in a rainstorm and your windshield wipers just aren't fast enough. The first question to come out of my boss' mouth was "Have you gone to the doctor?" Well, no, of course, I haven't! When would I have time to do that? I'm too busy to be bothered with not being able to see!

So, in an hour, I'm going to the doctor. Because when it comes down to it, you can try to at-home remedy your way back to health, but most of the time, it's just not enough. Sometimes you need a doctor to look into your blurry eyes and help you fix your problem.

God, help me today to realize that You are the one who can fix me. I'm sorry for trying everything else before coming to You. It may not be as instant as eyedrops, but help me heal, one bit of Your wisdom at a time. I've given up trying on my own, because I know I can't heal myself. Thank You for giving me this feeling of knowing that You'll heal whatever is ailing me, and thank You for allowing me to see how awesome You truly are. Amen.