Disclaimer: I hate proofreading myself, mainly because I will inevitably end up taking out something that I really wanted to say simply because I couldn't find the exact right words. So forgive me if it sounds cluttered and confused, even though at this exact moment those two words describe me perfectly.
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As we take our journey through life, we are all defined by events, experiences, people, and everything else that crosses our way. It is my firm belief that all of these things help mold and shape us into the person that we become. I personally have found that one of the things that seems to outwardly define me the most is my childhood and my family. For those who don't know, my father passed away when I was 18 months old, leaving my mother and I alone for a few years until my mom re-married and that man adopted me as his own child. My parents were, for reasons only God himself knows, never able to have another child, which left me as the only one. A lot of people have these immediate thoughts about only children: bratty, spoiled, it's their way or no way, etc. I've heard these things my whole life, and I have done my best (and so have my parents) to make sure that these things cannot be said about me. I certainly try not to be a brat, I had to work for almost everything in my life after I was old enough to know what work meant, and I don't always get my way.
But there's one thing that I will readily admit I am horrible at, and I'm sure that you can guess it by the title of this post. I have a very hard time remembering other people and how they feel when faced with trials. I focus too much on how something makes me feel and what I feel like the other person's reaction should be. It takes so much for me to remember that I am not the only person in the world who gets hurt by words or actions, and that my words and actions can hurt other people in completely different ways than I could ever imagine.
For a long time, I never admitted to this being the truth. I just kind of took the road I wanted, and never had any real consequences for the way I took. But recently, I've become/been made aware of how this can really affect the people that I care about the most. And to those people, I wish I could say I'm sorry for every single time you felt like I wasn't caring about your needs and feelings. I know that I can't go back and change things, although sometimes we all desperately wish we could.
But I want to make a real change to say "It's not all about me." Because as I'm realizing, thinking about how other people feel could save a lot of needless, spontaneous "I feel like (insert unnecessary emotion here)" conversations that turn out to be one-sided, shallow, and worthless, anyway.
Most importantly, I need to realize that my plans for my life are simply that: mine. I struggle so much with ignoring the fact that the Lord has much more intricate, amazing plans for me that I may not know now but will one day and thank Him so much for. While it is truly the most difficult thing in the world for me to let go of the control that I THINK I have, now is the time to give in, give up on trying, and say "God, I can't do this without You. You're in control and I'm just the passenger in this crazy ride You have me on." While there are things that I hope and pray are a part of my journey, I've got to realize that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I pray for that strength and understanding today, and I hope that someone else that might read this finds comfort too in knowing that they don't have to be a control freak anymore. Relinquishing control-over something that you had no control over in the first place-is, at first, the hardest thing you'll make yourself do, but then feels surprisingly freeing.
At least that's how I feel. Now, tell me how it makes you feel.
